Brunch With My Future

I'm not like alot of people. I don't panic about what my grade on my latest test was. I don't glare at the trampy girl who's hitting on the cute guys. I sit in the library at study period worrying about my future.

Because I don't know what I want anymore.

Since childhood I knew what I wanted: I wanted to live in San Diego as a marine biologist. But, as time wore on, I realized how much I hated math and never wanted to harm a single sea creature. So I decided to do the opposite of harm--help! I wanted to be a veterinarian. This was a much more realistic ideal, until I came to grips with the fact that I would either adopt every sad animal I saw, or couldn't help the animals because I'd cry any time their sad eyes met mine. Scratch that one off the list.

In 8th grade I was the lead in a crappy little play, and it dawned on me that my true love was the theatre. I've been so involved in my drama classes that every ounce of me knew that it was my future to be drowned in the arts. But this year changed my mind. I'm seeing the forrest for more than the trees (see 'D Is For Drama'), and I'm quickly realizing that my lack of involvement in the drama clique is a good thing!

And I saw it, sitting with my friends, doodling on my assignment: art. I've been obsessive about drawing and painting since I was little. If it wasn't for my dad talking me down, I would have really wrapped my mind around graphic art. But is it too late? Should I have signed up for art class in 9th grade INSTEAD of drama? Am I so far behind with my future that I'm ahead?

Or am I going to change my mind again?

Is going to Art School in San Francisco overly presumptuous of me, or am I finally right on the mark? My head is emploding, breaking my marrow cage slowly. Shattering my now with my later. My eyes have stopped leaking tears, they now leak ballpoint-ink. My flakey skin looks less tan than grey like my pencil lead. I blow my nose and the tissue fills with watercolors. I'm a mess and I'm hoping for someone who could actually say to me something around the lines of, "you have a future and you know it." Not the usual, "you can talk big about your plans, but it all comes down to your grades!!"

I'm just me, and I'm...

-D