I'm having the most horrendous writers block! The first twenty pages of my narrative are due tomorrow and I'm at the point in my story where I know what's going to happen, I just have no idea how to get there without rushing the story or going too slow.
So I listen to music, praying for a lyric to jump out and beat away my block, but now all I want to do is plug in my table and scribble some doodles out. But if I did that my story wouldn't get completed, but I have nothing to write! And now I'm back to square one.
But I have good music on, my room feels perfect, and tomorrow's the last day before Rodeo Break. So I have a feeling that all will look up by the end of the night.
-D
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
The "Right" thing
There's the exestential ideals floating around my cranium driven by the words of a harmlessly dark book. Gunmetal sentances that shouldn't exist, do. They give me dreams of a silent world where nothing talks to me, where everything I know is gone. I think of what I would miss: music, art, people, books.
It made my heart ache. In a world where the was nothing left, I would not exist. I rely so heavily on the things around me that I don't know what would happen if one day it were gone. So now, all I can think is, "what would I be without them."
You hear stories all the time of amnesia, and you pity the people who suffer it, and must re-learn everything they ever knew. But what if it was a slow decay of memory, not from an illness, not from an injury, but from time. Just sit and think of a day that you would wake up, alone, and you would turn and look at a photo of you and your friends and all you recognize is your own face. You best friend, lover, parents, siblings, neighbors. Just beautiful faces surrounding you. You wouldn't feel bad because you wouldn't remember to feel bad about them.
It's a truely scary ideal, and I'm troubled thinking about it.
Read this book: "The Road" By: Cormac McCarthy
-D
It made my heart ache. In a world where the was nothing left, I would not exist. I rely so heavily on the things around me that I don't know what would happen if one day it were gone. So now, all I can think is, "what would I be without them."
You hear stories all the time of amnesia, and you pity the people who suffer it, and must re-learn everything they ever knew. But what if it was a slow decay of memory, not from an illness, not from an injury, but from time. Just sit and think of a day that you would wake up, alone, and you would turn and look at a photo of you and your friends and all you recognize is your own face. You best friend, lover, parents, siblings, neighbors. Just beautiful faces surrounding you. You wouldn't feel bad because you wouldn't remember to feel bad about them.
It's a truely scary ideal, and I'm troubled thinking about it.
Read this book: "The Road" By: Cormac McCarthy
-D
Saturday, February 9, 2008
5,000 people payed to see Air Guitar...
THEY MADE A FUCKING SHOW ON VH1 ABOUT BEING THE MASTER OF AIR GUITAR?!?!?!
THEY GIVE THESE PEOPLE CLASSES WHILE AT AIR GUITAR CAMP!!!!
-Maintaining your INSTRUMENT
-Handling GROUPIES
-STAGEFRIGHT?!
"Air Guitar is the purest art form there is left."
A human being just said that before God and VH1, and meant it...
People are donating money to this fucking idiot so that he can achieve his dreams of becoming the Air Guitar master.
The mayor of Oluvv (Finland) is holding a reception for the people who are competing.
"You may hate us, but we're serious players"
"I don't have any nonsense, I'm not here to make an idiot of myself, I'm here to play [air] guitar."
Oh my gosh, I feel SO bad, this is the WORLD championship. How VERY rude of me.
"America is looking very bad to the world...I'd like to become an ambassador..."
:l ............
I can hear it now, "Mr. President, let us end this war! This man showed us that there is nothing good about our fighting. Let us put on some Velvet Revolver and air jam!"
"Walking away from this a loser, with my guitar deflated, it would be the biggest tragedy of my life."
:l ............
Oh...oh god...my head...it's exploding...he has chicks...FANS...oh...
-A
THEY GIVE THESE PEOPLE CLASSES WHILE AT AIR GUITAR CAMP!!!!
-Maintaining your INSTRUMENT
-Handling GROUPIES
-STAGEFRIGHT?!
"Air Guitar is the purest art form there is left."
A human being just said that before God and VH1, and meant it...
People are donating money to this fucking idiot so that he can achieve his dreams of becoming the Air Guitar master.
The mayor of Oluvv (Finland) is holding a reception for the people who are competing.
"You may hate us, but we're serious players"
"I don't have any nonsense, I'm not here to make an idiot of myself, I'm here to play [air] guitar."
Oh my gosh, I feel SO bad, this is the WORLD championship. How VERY rude of me.
"America is looking very bad to the world...I'd like to become an ambassador..."
:l ............
I can hear it now, "Mr. President, let us end this war! This man showed us that there is nothing good about our fighting. Let us put on some Velvet Revolver and air jam!"
"Walking away from this a loser, with my guitar deflated, it would be the biggest tragedy of my life."
:l ............
Oh...oh god...my head...it's exploding...he has chicks...FANS...oh...
-A
Monday, January 21, 2008
Life Without people...
Is quite possibly the most horrifying show I've ever watched, and I watch some messed up shows (UFO Hunters, Most Haunted Cities, Extreme Disasters). When I turn on my TV the first channels I check are History, National Geographic, and FUSE, so I look for things that might have to do with the vast extinctions. I have a demented fascination with nature kicking ass but this...this is...it makes my stomach hurt. Watching beautiful things, places, once often used technologies, all decaying and falling prey to time nature.
I'm now at 50 years after people.
I still don't know what happened that every single human just magically disappeared, the show won't say but I know this:
-Roaches are STILL alive, and having tiny parties over surviving another species.
-Wolves will breed like rabbits
-Nature will reclaim buildings
-Household pets will die off because humans decided to domesticate them like the ass holes we are.
-Pigeon droppings will single handedly break down the sphinx, colleseum, and buckingham palace
But hey, at least the animals made it, right? . . .right?
-D
I'm now at 50 years after people.
I still don't know what happened that every single human just magically disappeared, the show won't say but I know this:
-Roaches are STILL alive, and having tiny parties over surviving another species.
-Wolves will breed like rabbits
-Nature will reclaim buildings
-Household pets will die off because humans decided to domesticate them like the ass holes we are.
-Pigeon droppings will single handedly break down the sphinx, colleseum, and buckingham palace
But hey, at least the animals made it, right? . . .right?
-D
So Far To Go
A taste a literature has me spinning backwards and forwards and upsidedownwards. And I'm not sure what to think.
I've grown accustomed to the pathetic reading lists projected into my high school, and it hurts sometimes when I read a book that blows that 5th grade literature out of the water. I was so focused on this novel that, after spending the entire night reading it, I sat up in bed and cried. Not just any cry, the cry where I question everything about myself, where I look at the past, where I wish the one's I loved who had passed away were here, where I punch the pillow in anger, where I laugh at how silly I am, where I hyperventalate and pass out. I woke up and just felt so relieved that I didn't suffocate from mucus-frozen nostrils (being that I sleep on my stomach), I knew that I made it through my comatose for a reason.
I digress.
This book touched me, and I'd like to believe that I'm just that much more optimistic about my future after reading those pages. It's a long road, but I can't wait.
"I want it now, somehow I forgot how. Way to go, forgot you've got so far to go."
-D
I've grown accustomed to the pathetic reading lists projected into my high school, and it hurts sometimes when I read a book that blows that 5th grade literature out of the water. I was so focused on this novel that, after spending the entire night reading it, I sat up in bed and cried. Not just any cry, the cry where I question everything about myself, where I look at the past, where I wish the one's I loved who had passed away were here, where I punch the pillow in anger, where I laugh at how silly I am, where I hyperventalate and pass out. I woke up and just felt so relieved that I didn't suffocate from mucus-frozen nostrils (being that I sleep on my stomach), I knew that I made it through my comatose for a reason.
I digress.
This book touched me, and I'd like to believe that I'm just that much more optimistic about my future after reading those pages. It's a long road, but I can't wait.
"I want it now, somehow I forgot how. Way to go, forgot you've got so far to go."
-D
Saturday, January 19, 2008
More than four, less than five
I can't stand being lonely sometimes.
I mean, sometimes being lonely, or more like alone, is plenty satisfying, but when I watch those rediculously quirky romantic comedies...well, I get tremendously sad. Here are some examples.
1.) Where the girl loves the guy, and the guy loves the girl, but because of past discrepancies with each other they both hide their underlying affections in meaningless romps until they spend a day just doing things they always did shows them their true feeling, ending in the perfect kiss with the walking away into the distance of their endless love affair.
--This one makes me wonder about guys that I've had any sort of a history with, and wether or not I might end up being happy with them after all. Then I remember dating those people. Then I picture getting all doe-eyed again. Then I see myself with them, and decide that it might be good to never talk to them again.
Example: The Notebook
2.) Where the man and woman haven't spoken in months (but still think of each other), and upon speaking either the man or the woman announce that they are to be married to another mindless dolt. The other now vows that they WILL get the one they love back, even if it has to do with breaking up a wedding. In the end they both realize that they really aren't right for each other, the one ends up getting married, and the other character meets a cute guy and all is forgotten.
--These make me sick because, while I do believe in that moment where you realize it just wouldn't work between the two of you, I don't believe that somebody can pommel-horse out of being head-over-heels in love into somebody they've never met. Not in the amount of time it takes the band to switch the sheet music from "shout" to "unforgetable" at least.
Example: My Best Friends Wedding
3.) Not really a love story, but rather one where two characters are so right for each other that you don't even watch the movie because when you aren't hoping and praying that this movie you payed for had something to do with romance, you're busy watching every detail unfold between the two characters and/or waiting for the next seen in which they're in the frame together, because nobody else may feel it, but you can cut the sexual tension with a fucking knife. They're right for each other! So what if he HAPPENS to be chasing her with an axe? If she would just stop running they'd see the beauty of their differences and he'd see the error of his ways.
--I actually live for these movies. I think I have a problem, because when this occurs in a movie, that sick feeling I get in the pit of my stomach, that aching feeling, feels so good that sometimes a tear escapes...or two...or a box of kleenex worth. I usually cannot bear to watch the movie again until I've sat for an entire day in front of my computer reading fanfiction about the characters getting together, which is usually written by people who, much like me, needed this closure because they would actually like to see the movie again.
Examples: The Chronicles of Riddick, My Fair Lady, V for Vendetta (mostly), Finding Nemo, Kiki's Delivery Service, Pitch Black
4.) Movies where the male and female HATE EACH OTHERS GUTS. This can also be sided with the male being sarcastic and obnoxious to the female because he's falling in love with her and loves her when she's mad, and the female, no matter how much she acts like she hates his wit, keeps coming back to his verbal abuse because she wants nothing more than to be with him. One night he goes too far and they fight, ending with one or both of them saying the L word and having beautiful angry I-hate-loving-you-but-I-need-to-be-with-you-because-you're-my-other-half sex.
--I want this. I want this relationship. I want to yell and scream and get nothing more than a poker-faced man who loves everything I am. That's right under having a guy who I can have adult conversations with and be able to talk about more than the weather. If a guy could match my wit AND quote Kurt Vonnegut all in one breath, my life would be complete.
Examples: When Harry Met Sally
5.) Man1 loves woman1, woman1 loves man2, man2 loves woman2.
Man1 loves woman1, woman1 loves man2, man2 couldn't give 2 fucks about woman1.
Man1 loves woman1, woman1 loves man2, man2 loves man1.
Man1 AND man2 both love woman1.
(All involve interchangable sexes)
--Love triangles (and sometimes squares) are VERY popular and always make you happy at some point in the movie. Always worth paying $5.50 to see, unless they involve any actress who's name starts with Jessica.
Examples: Gone With the Wind, Legally Blonde, A Love Story, Phantom of the Opera, Homeward Bound, Pocahontas.
-D
I mean, sometimes being lonely, or more like alone, is plenty satisfying, but when I watch those rediculously quirky romantic comedies...well, I get tremendously sad. Here are some examples.
1.) Where the girl loves the guy, and the guy loves the girl, but because of past discrepancies with each other they both hide their underlying affections in meaningless romps until they spend a day just doing things they always did shows them their true feeling, ending in the perfect kiss with the walking away into the distance of their endless love affair.
--This one makes me wonder about guys that I've had any sort of a history with, and wether or not I might end up being happy with them after all. Then I remember dating those people. Then I picture getting all doe-eyed again. Then I see myself with them, and decide that it might be good to never talk to them again.
Example: The Notebook
2.) Where the man and woman haven't spoken in months (but still think of each other), and upon speaking either the man or the woman announce that they are to be married to another mindless dolt. The other now vows that they WILL get the one they love back, even if it has to do with breaking up a wedding. In the end they both realize that they really aren't right for each other, the one ends up getting married, and the other character meets a cute guy and all is forgotten.
--These make me sick because, while I do believe in that moment where you realize it just wouldn't work between the two of you, I don't believe that somebody can pommel-horse out of being head-over-heels in love into somebody they've never met. Not in the amount of time it takes the band to switch the sheet music from "shout" to "unforgetable" at least.
Example: My Best Friends Wedding
3.) Not really a love story, but rather one where two characters are so right for each other that you don't even watch the movie because when you aren't hoping and praying that this movie you payed for had something to do with romance, you're busy watching every detail unfold between the two characters and/or waiting for the next seen in which they're in the frame together, because nobody else may feel it, but you can cut the sexual tension with a fucking knife. They're right for each other! So what if he HAPPENS to be chasing her with an axe? If she would just stop running they'd see the beauty of their differences and he'd see the error of his ways.
--I actually live for these movies. I think I have a problem, because when this occurs in a movie, that sick feeling I get in the pit of my stomach, that aching feeling, feels so good that sometimes a tear escapes...or two...or a box of kleenex worth. I usually cannot bear to watch the movie again until I've sat for an entire day in front of my computer reading fanfiction about the characters getting together, which is usually written by people who, much like me, needed this closure because they would actually like to see the movie again.
Examples: The Chronicles of Riddick, My Fair Lady, V for Vendetta (mostly), Finding Nemo, Kiki's Delivery Service, Pitch Black
4.) Movies where the male and female HATE EACH OTHERS GUTS. This can also be sided with the male being sarcastic and obnoxious to the female because he's falling in love with her and loves her when she's mad, and the female, no matter how much she acts like she hates his wit, keeps coming back to his verbal abuse because she wants nothing more than to be with him. One night he goes too far and they fight, ending with one or both of them saying the L word and having beautiful angry I-hate-loving-you-but-I-need-to-be-with-you-because-you're-my-other-half sex.
--I want this. I want this relationship. I want to yell and scream and get nothing more than a poker-faced man who loves everything I am. That's right under having a guy who I can have adult conversations with and be able to talk about more than the weather. If a guy could match my wit AND quote Kurt Vonnegut all in one breath, my life would be complete.
Examples: When Harry Met Sally
5.) Man1 loves woman1, woman1 loves man2, man2 loves woman2.
Man1 loves woman1, woman1 loves man2, man2 couldn't give 2 fucks about woman1.
Man1 loves woman1, woman1 loves man2, man2 loves man1.
Man1 AND man2 both love woman1.
(All involve interchangable sexes)
--Love triangles (and sometimes squares) are VERY popular and always make you happy at some point in the movie. Always worth paying $5.50 to see, unless they involve any actress who's name starts with Jessica.
Examples: Gone With the Wind, Legally Blonde, A Love Story, Phantom of the Opera, Homeward Bound, Pocahontas.
-D
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Asterisk of Faith
There happens to be a difference in thought process about life, about how much effort I want to put into things. My time is just counting down, to a single day, a certain location, a time. There's things that you can't rush and shouldn't set in stone and shouldn't put all your faith in, but I do. I know I should focus on school, but I've got this typical love scene superglued to my brain, and it's spastically tugging at my spine. I'm surprised at how much an idea drives me.
I've wanted to leave this rediculous state for as long as I can remember, not because of what's here but that it's here. Rewriting myself for the sake of leaving is a deep process, and I'm learning how different that side of me is. I spend alot of time trying to impress people I love, when all I really need is to be happy with myself. Cliche, cliche's, but all that really holds in stone with me are two things: February 7th and San Francisco.
SF? Never been. I hear it's nice. But can I make it alone? No family to watch my back, no friends to keep me down to earth?
Me: I've never been to SF...what if I don't like it? Or don't fit in?
Chinchilla: You fit in everywhere. And fitting in takes all the fun out, look at me! Lol.
Me: Good point. But AAU...art school...it's going to be wierd.
Chinchilla: Why?
Me: I'm going to be alone. Usually I have somebody to show my artwork to.
Chinchilla: I'll be there, duh.
Me: Promise?
Chinchilla: Promise.
Okay, maybe I'm not THAT scared...just ________
Anxious
Nervous
Excited
Torn
Thrown
-D
I've wanted to leave this rediculous state for as long as I can remember, not because of what's here but that it's here. Rewriting myself for the sake of leaving is a deep process, and I'm learning how different that side of me is. I spend alot of time trying to impress people I love, when all I really need is to be happy with myself. Cliche, cliche's, but all that really holds in stone with me are two things: February 7th and San Francisco.
SF? Never been. I hear it's nice. But can I make it alone? No family to watch my back, no friends to keep me down to earth?
Me: I've never been to SF...what if I don't like it? Or don't fit in?
Chinchilla: You fit in everywhere. And fitting in takes all the fun out, look at me! Lol.
Me: Good point. But AAU...art school...it's going to be wierd.
Chinchilla: Why?
Me: I'm going to be alone. Usually I have somebody to show my artwork to.
Chinchilla: I'll be there, duh.
Me: Promise?
Chinchilla: Promise.
Okay, maybe I'm not THAT scared...just ________
Anxious
Nervous
Excited
Torn
Thrown
-D
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